As a dreamer I spend most of my time in my thoughts. Here's your insight into my mind.

Today

Today is a weird day. Today is a sad day. Today is a confusing day. 

One year ago my best friend called me 5 times while I was in the middle of play rehearsal, I couldn’t fathom what was so important. Until she texted me. 

"My dad died."

The next few moments were a blur. I threw off the headset that connected me to my stage manager, managed to blurt out what had happened and that I needed to go, and ran out. 

I remember standing in the parking lot, calling her. She was sobbing, obviously, all I got out of her was that I should come over. 

I snuck into the quiet theater to grab the car keys from my dad, silently explaining why I so desperately need to leave. He wanted me to wait, so he could drive me. In hind sight, I probably should have let him. 

I barely remember driving to her house. I think I was just focusing on not sobbing. 

By the time I got there, Lindsey and her family had left to head to her dads house. 

I waited inside the house with her neighbor. I called my mom to let her know what was up. I texted a few friends. Processed a little more. 

When Lindsey was home, her neighbor let her know I was there and I went into the garage to greet her.

We held each other and cried together until someone with more sense led us into the house. 

There was more crying, mostly from Lindsey, her mother and myself. The men, just her brother and then boyfriend were there at the time, remained quiet and comforted us. 

Slowly people began to arrive. Mostly high school friends of Lindsey and I. Her brother’s girlfriend. Her mother’s friends. 

A lot of those memories were blurry. We sat. We cried. At some point we bucked up enough to tell stories about Bryan, Lindsey’s dad. 

But when the police arrived to ask a few question, the mood dropped again. You could see everyone’s mind churning as they remembered why we were all there.  

It wasn’t just to have a good time. A tragedy had occurred.

Everyone was there well into the early morning. By 1 or 2 a.m. everyone was heading to bed or leaving. 

Andrew, Lindsey’s boyfriend at the time, and myself were the only ones to stay the night. 

We all went through the motions and crawled into bed. It might normally seem weird to share a bed with your best friend and her boyfriend, but there were bigger things than worrying about that. 

We watched some stupid show “50 stupidest accidents” or “25 biggest goofs.” All I remember is laughing. Just trying to feel light instead of feeling the horrible events of the day.

At one point, Lindsey was in the bathroom and Andrew and I were in her room. Something he did made her  phone drop. He put it back together, except for the battery. He couldn’t find it. 

Lindsey laughed so hard at him for thinking she wouldn’t notice her phone battery missing. 

Seeing her smile, at a time such at that, was so beautiful. 

It was early in the morning, at least 3. But we remained awake, chatting, reminiscing, just laughing. The three of us barely got four hours of sleep that night.

By the time it was 8 a.m. we were awake. Remembering the mess yesterday had made. 

The rest of the day was filled with more visits from people, calls informing people what had happened. 

I’m devastated now just thinking of the call Lindsey and her mom made to her dads best friend. 

I stayed with Lindsey as long as I could. But I had to be back at the theater that night for opening night. I returned after the show and stayed the night with her again.

Over the next week there was a celebration of his life at Lindsey’s house, a funeral, many shopping trips to distract Lindsey. 

I don’t know why I wrote that. It’s probably not some of the best work I’ve done. But it’s some of the most necessary. 

A while after this happened, a teacher of ours from high school messaged me. She reminded me that while its important to be there for Lindsey, I have to remember to mourn for myself. 

It was strange to think that I needed to mourn too. He wasn’t my dad. 

But as time passed, I would think of Bryan’s death and become increasingly sad. Or be outrageously angry at him for leaving too soon. 

And then it made sense to me. He was a part of my life too. A part that just disappeared. 

I think writing this and sharing my perspective was just my way of finally mourning the loss of such a genuinely wonderful human being. 

Someone who always had a smile on his face. Someone who made great tacos. Who cheered up five high school seniors when every single one of their Homecoming dates bailed. Who took my prom photos. Someone who was supposed to be there to see my best friend graduate college. To walk her down the aisle. To be there. 

Today I will be there for Lindsey. I’ll bring her something if she needs it, I’ll give her space, I’ll text her words of encouragement whenever necessary.

But this post is for me. For all the things I can’t say out loud. For all the memories that constantly circle my head.

We miss you, Bryan.

RIP 7/12/12 

An Out of Proportion Observation

At the beginning of the quarter I was sitting in the Viking Union, the student union here at WWU, and I overheard a conversation between a couple, that I quickly realized had ended their relationship somewhat recently. Now I’m not going to lie, this conversation was not so loud that I couldn’t help hearing, but the few snippets that I did pick up on were too interesting to not listen. Now, the parts I heard were very strange and also inspiring. I started writing this story immediately after hearing the couple speaking in the VU. Keep in mind, this is complete fiction. I made up the majority of this story; however there are bits and pieces from reality that really inspired me. I hope you enjoy!

—————————————————————————

No better place to meet, thought Andrea, back where it all began. She sighs and takes in the memories that surround her as she enters the student union at Western Washington University.

Andrea can’t help but flashback to the story’s beginning, as she’s about to take part in the possible ending of it.

Upon their first meeting, Michael had perhaps witnessed what had been one of Andrea’s most trying moments at that point in her life.

She had never meant to scream at her professor, but the shock that she wouldn’t graduate on time due to one measly grade over took her. Michael found her in the student union as she was finally realized what she’d done.

Well really, she’d found him. She’d never tell Michael, but Andrea wasn’t sure he would have given her a second look if she hadn’t sunk down at the same table he was about to study at.

Maybe, Andrea thinks, those thoughts should have been an indicator that her relationship with Michael was not meant to be. Not supposed to be.

Andrea sits down at the very table that she first heard Michael’s voice. Her stomach flutters with nerves. It’s almost as if the sweet baby boy she carried three years ago is back in her belly.

Andrea shutters at the idea of telling Michael that the boy exists. A part of him and a part of her walking around on this earth and he has no idea.

It had been her idea to have this meeting today. Andrea felt it was finally right to tell Michael about his son. She had been scared to confront him, but it was time.

As Andrea runs through her speech one more time, she turns and sees Michael at a separate table. She’s not surprised that he chose a table different from the one that holds so much baggage for both of them.

“Hello,” Andrea opens with a deep breath, trying to shove down the butterflies.

“It’s good to see you,” Michael replies.

So far so good, Andrea thinks. He’s gained a little weight, and a few more wrinkles around the eyes. Maybe these past years have been as rough on him as they have been on her.

“Nice to see you too,” Andrea agrees.

Suddenly silence swells around the two of them. But, Andrea cannot ignore the look of concern that has come across his face.

“Is something on your mind?” Andrea reluctantly decides to ask.

“It’s just hard to see you,” he replies.

The silence returns, but Michael cuts it off shortly. “That came out wrong.”

“No, I get what you mean,” Andrea says. “It’s hard to see you too.”

She takes a deep breath, seeing this as her opportunity to begin.

“It’s been really hard since you left me, Michael,” Andrea starts.

“I just got really scared,” he cuts in.

“What?” She responds, thrown off by the interruption.

“I just wasn’t ready for the kind of commitment you wanted. You knew that, yet it seemed that I was forced more and more into a serious relationship.”

Andrea has now completely forgotten her original words. She takes a minute to gather her thoughts, so as to not scream in a public place.

“We were together for two years, Michael,” she says as calmly as she can. “We’re adults, a relationship lasting that long is bound to be serious.

“And I never forced you into anything. You stayed with me all that time; you could have left at any moment. Which you finally did, you just left while I was at work. This conversation is moot, anyways. You did what you needed to do and left me broken.”

Andrea finishes the monologue she never intended to have with the big breath. She hadn’t expected those words to come out of her mouth, now or ever.

“I’m fine. I’m sorry,” she says after a long pause. “I was over this upset a long time ago.”

“It’s fine, I guess I understand,” Michael stutters.

Andrea sighs and pushes back the desire to break down and cry. She realizes this is the moment to be brave and tell the truth.

“No, you don’t, Michael,” she barely lets the words escape her lips. “Because about nine months after you left I gave birth to a baby boy.”

Andrea sits silently, waiting for a response. She tries to read Michael’s face. There’s sadness and regret, but shock is nowhere near it. In fact, Andrea is sure shock is thrown across her face.

“I’ve actually known for some time,” Michael finally says.

Relief rushes over Andrea. He wasn’t completely oblivious to his son. He knew about the near carbon copy of himself. He knew.

It takes a few minutes for it to dawn on her. He knew. He knew he had a son.

“How long have you know?” She asks quickly.

Michael pauses, clearly nervous about his response.

“A year.”

“You’ve known a year? An entire year?”

Andrea realizes she’s yelling in a public space. Of course, being in public was her idea for this exact reason. She just didn’t think she would be the one shouting.

“So why haven’t I heard from you in the last 12 months?” Andrea says as calmly as she can.

“I dunno,” Michael says. “It just didn’t seem right.”

“You left me and didn’t even contact me when you found out I was raising your child. I think I deserve a little more explanation than ‘I dunno’”

“I don’t know! I didn’t want to come into and interrupt his life. Your life! I’d been gone for two years, it seemed wrong to spring my presence on either of you. Especially if I wasn’t going to stick around.

“I’m 25, Andrea. I’m not ready to be a dad. I’m still trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life. I have student loans, and a degree I’m not sure what I want to do with. I can’t be a dad. I’m not ready for that responsibility. I’m sorry if that’s why you asked to see me.”

“I wasn’t ready to be a mom. I was 22, I’d just graduated! But when that test came back positive, I did what I had to do. I had to be a parent. I had to take care of him. And I do it willingly, because he’s my son and I love him more than I thought possible.”

Andrea stands, unable to see the need to talk to Michael anymore.

“So, I think you’re right. If you were ready to be a dad, you wouldn’t really care about any of that other stuff. You’d only care about being there for him, everything else would come second. But, you’re still the same stubborn, immature guy I knew years ago.

“Part of me did hope this would be your chance to know him. But I see now I was wrong.  You won’t hear from me again. Goodbye Michael.”

She goes to walk away, when Michael calls her name.

“Andrea, wait,” he says.

She considers continuing to leave, but curiosity gets the best of her. Andrea turns around a looks to Michael.

“I don’t even get to know his name?” he asks.

“No, you don’t get to know the name of my son,” Andrea says sharply before walking away from this chapter of her past.

The Journey of Friendship

One of my favorite things to do on train rides home is write. It’s such a relaxing setting that all I want to do is pour my heart onto a page, or in this case a screen.

On a whim I asked my best friend, Lindsey, what I should write about. She said herself. So now I will embark on the journey of writing about my friendship with Lindsey without crying in public. We’ll see how well that works out for me.

Lindsey and I met in fourth grade. I don’t actually remember this, but we were both involved in Madrona Children’s Theatre, so I’m sure we met around that time.

Our relationship didn’t escalate to more than acquaintances until 6th grade, when we liked the same boy. Being 11 years old, this was the end of my world. However, by 7th grade I was able to get over myself and form something of a friendship with her.

I say “something of a friendship,” because our relationship was very complicated for nearly fours years.

As it usually is for girls in their pre to early teens, everything about life was very dramatic. We’d be friends one minute and not the next. I wont get into the details of what happened, but it was an incredibly trying and difficult time for both of us. Teenage girls are very skilled at making each other miserable.

Finally by junior year of high school, we were able to put whatever differences we thought we had aside and become friends for good.

The strange, or maybe wonderful, part is that I think all the turmoil Lindsey and I put each other through has made us better friends in the long run.

Lindsey hasn’t just seen me as my usual sunshiny, delightful self. She’s seen me be horrible and mean and words I wish didn’t describe ways I’ve behaved. Those actions have even been towards her. But she loves me anyways and it makes us that much stronger.

Senior year of high school, both of us came to realize that we wouldn’t be seeing each other much in the coming year. I knew I was going to Western fairly early on, and it looked increasingly likely that Lindsey would go to school in Oregon.

On TV shows, where I get all my legitimate advice from, it had been made clear to me that friendships rarely lasted the distance that often comes with going away to college.

I pushed that thought out of my mind as I continued to count down the days until I graduated high school.

It only became very apparent to me that distance could grow between myself and someone I consider my sister, once she left for college, over a month before I would leave for Western.

Much to my surprise, in the year and half that Lindsey and I have been in college, we have grown even closer. Our every day text messages can range from one word texts that only we understand, to funny moments from our day, to pages of emotions being shared.

In April I experienced what I consider the hardest moment in my life. Even when I had to admit to Lindsey the mess that I had made, she was there for me. She listened to me sob on the phone. She’s stood by me as I’ve tried to piece my life and myself back together.

I think this was one of the most telling moments of our friendship. She had every right to be mad and disappointed in me. If she was, I saw no evidence of it. She was strong for me when I couldn’t be, all the way from another state.

That’s what I love about Lindsey the most. She is the strongest person I know. She’s in Salem, taking college by storm, maintaining a relationship with an incredible guy and supporting her friends and family. All while she’s mourning the loss of her father.

If that’s not strength, I don’t know what is. I’m so proud of her and inspired by her willpower to go on every day.

This is quickly getting very mushy, something I want desperately to avoid. So I will leave on this note:

I’ve known for a long time that my relationship with Lindsey would shape who I am. While it wasn’t always good experiences that influenced me, I am so grateful for everything I’ve been through with her. It’s made me into a stronger, more caring, and generally better person. I think that makes the bad times completely worth it.

On The Topic of Coming Out

I just watched the Same Love video, so I’m feeling pretty emotional, but also pretty lucky.

I came out as bisexual in 7th grade to some friends. They had a fairly poor reaction, so I kept that part of me hidden. Hidden from everyone I knew, hidden from myself.

I tried to pass it off as something I did in order to get attention, something very like myself to do back then.

It wasn’t until senior of high school, when I first joined tumblr, that I began to see that side of myself again. I finally saw an example of people who were out and happy with who they are.

But I still struggled with the idea that my friends and family might not accept me for who I am.

I started small, with a friend who is several years older than me and who I hoped would be wiser than my friends in high school. She introduced me to someone she knew who could help me answer all the questions about the stigma that comes with bisexuality and what coming out would be like.

Slowly I was able tell my best friends, my mom, my sister, other friends who I wasn’t as close with. They all accepted me for who I am.

My dad was the big hurdle. I didn’t feel like I knew him well enough to judge whether or not he would be uncomfortable with his daughter being bisexual.

The uncertainty scared me, so I put it off. When I finally decided to tell my dad he seemed wary at first, but that never changed the fact that he loves me.

I was really lucky, my family and friends were incredibly supportive and I’m sure they will continue to be if I ever choose to date a girl.

Why am I talking about this now?

When I first came to college the idea of coming out to a whole new group of people seemed like a big hassle.

I was able to tell some of the people in my main group of friends towards the end of my freshman year. But the idea of telling Sarah, my roommate and one of my best friends, terrified me.

When I finally told her, guess what? She still loved me just the same.

Even though that was nearly a year ago, it just occurred to me the other night when I was chatting with friends, I do not need to come out to every single person I know.

Bisexuality is as much as a part of me as the fact that I love Taylor Swift’s music. It’s not something I need to announce, but if it comes up in a conversation, it’s okay to talk about it. It’s completely normal.

As someone who has always been completely accepting of any sexual orientation and who is growing up in a time where homosexuality is more accepted than ever, I can’t believe it took me this long to figure that out.

It doesn’t feel like some bomb I’m dropping on people as we’re talking, like I thought it would. The conversation can continue smoothly.

Of course, I’m incredibly lucky to have open and accepting friends. But realizing this has taken me one step closer to being comfortable in my own skin.

Late Night Break Up Thoughts

I had a break up on Tuesday.

Well, he broke up with me. It was only four days after he’d asked me to be his girlfriend. He told me he’d realized he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship.

The days since then, I’ve felt like such a victim. How could he do this to me? Weren’t we SO into each just a few weeks ago?

But tonight I was thinking, I’m not the victim in this situation. In reality, I stood up for myself.

I could have said, okay lets go back to non-committed dating, which I think is what he expected me to say.

But, instead I told him I wasn’t going to wait around to see if maybe one day he would be ready again. I wasn’t going to get my heartbroken again just because I wasn’t good enough to be someone’s girlfriend. Again. If I couldn’t be in a real relationship with him, then I wasn’t going to be with him. I wasn’t willing to move backwards.

I said, I’ve always been the “never a girlfriend” girl so if that’s what this is going to become, maybe we should just end it.

Now that I think about it, I ended it.

And I’m really okay with that. Because I’m ready for a relationship.

I went through a really hard time earlier this year. I had my heart ripped out of my chest. But I pulled myself out of that awful heartbreak, and now I’m ready to be in relationship.

I just need someone to be ready to be in it with me.

And if he wasn’t with me for that, then I don’t want to be with him.

My best friend reminds me every day, it’s going to be okay.

And it is.

Nail Art: Spring!

Like most people living in Western Washington in the middle of February, I am counting down the days until it is Spring. I’ve been wearing lots of flower prints and brightly colored shirts so maybe the sun will get my drift. But, the rain continues to fall. 

So when I sat down to do my nails last night, Spring was my inspiration. I wanted a little relief from the pouring rain. So here are my spring themed nails, I’m sure there will be many more like them in the coming months.

The background color is Forget Now, the petals are Tokyo Pearl and the centers are Rise and Shine, all by Sinful Colors.

I LOVE how they turned out. I was not expecting this result, but it was a happy surprise. Hopefully they’ll last a while, as I wait for the clouds to clear.

If you have any nail art ideas or want to share art you’ve done, email me at LilyJaquith@gmail.com.

Open Letters to the Things I Love

In honor of Valentine’s Day (which will probably be over by the time I’ve posted this), I’d like to write a few open letters to the things I love. I’m single today, but that doesn’t mean there is no love in my life. Instead of being sad today I decided to enjoy every little thing I love in life. So here I go, open letters to the things I love.

Dear Bath and Body Works,

I love every little sale you have. They make my wallet hurt a lot less. Especially because I have fallen in love with your face wash products. And I continue to have an affair with your scents. I smell like Paris every day and it’s delightful.

Dear Christina Perri,

How did I only start loving you a few days ago? You make my heart sing with every sound your beautiful voice makes. Your lyrics express the way I feel in a way I never possibly could. Thank you for knowing my heart better than I do.

Dear friends that I text nearly everyday,

You bring beautiful light into my life every moment I am talking to you. While it might be easy to forget me, you keep me in your hearts. That makes each day away from home easier and easier, though it does make me quite anxious to see you again.

Dear dreams I’ve had lately,

You have been very odd, but brilliant. I love having new material to daydream about every day.

Dear Family,

You’re very odd as well, but you keep a smile on my face when the days are long.

Dear Tuesdays and Thursdays,

Not having classes on you has made my life so much more relaxed. I have extra time for studying and general laziness. You’ve made a difficult quarter much easier.

Dear Twilight Saga,

I know I’m not supposed to love you or be at all interested in you. But I still do love you. Although, you are quite silly at moments and honestly a little ridiculous, sometimes it’s nice to be in a world where that kind of instant love exists. Where watching someone sleep isn’t creepy and where you know you want to be with someone forever. I know this world is not real, but for a hopeless romantic, it’s a nice world to fantasize in occasionally.

Dear Pinterest,

Thanks for making it a little less creepy to plan my future wedding (not that much less). I am having lots of fun with you.

These are the things I could think of right now. My heart glows writing of them. I find myself being okay with being alone when I know I’m surround by such lovely things. It’s nice to take time to focus on the happy, when so much of my life and the world is sad.

Nail Art: Love!

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. Although I’m single (expect a rant on that later in the month), I decided to do some Valentine’s Day themed nails. Especially since I have my nail tools back! 

The colors are all Sinful Colors. Thumb: Sweet Honeymoon. Index: Shining Heart. Middle: Volcanic. Ring: Um, I ripped off the label when I got it, like two years ago. But it’s some sort of hot pink. Sorry! Pinkie: Jasmine Jazz. And finally, the writing is in Tokyo Pearl.

They both read Love and have a heart on the thumb!

I really liked how it turned out, I feel as if I am definitely getting better at nail art. Send me pictures if you did your nails for Valentines, I’d love to see them. You can email me at LilyJaquith@gmail.com!

VlogBrothers and Watermelon Nail Polish!

I have a problem. I am absolutely addicted to painted my nails. I do it a lot. So, if you don’t mind, I’d love to share some of my nail polish art with you.

I as mentioned in yesterday’s post (read it here), I met John and Hank Green on Monday. In honor of meeting them I decided to do some of the most difficult nail art I’ve ever attempted. It was based off of the cover John’s latest book, The Fault In Our Stars.

I would love to tell you the names of the colors I used for these nails, but I have left those particular colors at home in Edmonds. They are all Sinful Colors brand and if you’re dying to know the color names tweet me or send me an ask in a week when I have them back. In other news, thanks mom for agreeing to visit me next week. Okay, I am finished rambling. Here are the nails!

(Edit!: I now have my nail polish back. The blue background is Love Nails, the black writing is Black on Black, and the white clouds are Tokyo Pearl)

This hand reads Hank and has a music note on the thumb.

This one reads John and the thumb says TFIOS (The Fault In Our Stars).

I loved this design so much! I might do it again, even though I will probably not be meeting them again for a long time.

However, they began to chip and I was really bored in class today, so they are no longer. I knew I needed a new design, but of course, my nail tools are at home with those other colors. So it’s simple, but I like it for now.

The colors are Shining Heart and Rise and Shine. Both by Sinful Colors.

I love watermelon and it’s an easy design, so I went for it and it turned out pretty well. Hopefully once I have my tools back I can do something fancier!

The Meaning of Nerd

In the summer of 2010, right before I started my senior year of high school, I got the grand idea to start blogging. My first post on that particular blog of mine was mainly focused on how insanely hot it was outside and my awesome week. Here’s a piece of it:


"Number two reason why this week was awesome, I discovered the VlogBrothers. How did I not know about this YouTube gold? Hank and John are amazing people and nerds. I am a total Nerdfighter.
Number three reason why this week was awesome, I went to Western Washington University for three days and I now know what college I want to attend. It’s such a beautiful campus and it has all the programs I want.”


While the writing leaves much to be desired, that little piece of that post means a lot to me now. Nearly two years later, I am wearing my Western sweatshirt proudly as I head up to Bellingham after a weekend home. And last night? I met John and Hank Green, aka the VlogBrothers.
It’s hard to put into words what their videos have meant for me. When I’m lonely they keep me company, when I’m sad they cheer me up. When I felt so alone after moving away from home, watching their videos made it feel like I wasn’t so far away. It was an absolutely honor to be able to say that to John last night.


The community they have created through their videos is also incredible. I don’t know really any nerdfighters (the name they have created for their fans) in real life. I loved meeting new people last night who had the same nerdy interests as me. I sat down with complete strangers and we talked for hours. I rarely get to discuss half the stuff I talked about with these people and we never ran out of conversation topics.


The actual event was hilarious and moving. Listening to John, who is and author of 4 books, read from his latest book The Fault in Our Stars was amazing. He’s a great speaker and listening to him bring to life the different characters made me love the book even more, if that was possible. After explained the processes of writing TFIOS, he introduced Hank. Hank is billboard charting musician and played several of his book and sciene themed songs. This included “the one that made [him] famous” Accio Deathly Hallows. They proceeded on to a timed Q & A. Whichever of the brothers was talking when the timer went off was mildly shocked. I’m not kidding. It was hilarious, although I did feel bad for John who very reluctantly allowed Hank to shock him.

Overall a wonderful evening that I am very grateful to have attended.
Don’t forget to be awesome!